My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
HOW DARE YOU
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
