My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
want me to check your oil?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Appendi
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