My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
