My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic