Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

ㅤ

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok