My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.