My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Math at Halloween.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.