Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I can’t stop laughing at this

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

😉😝

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

What do you hear?

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics