Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.