Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*