My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
These are my roll models.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Truly one of the great bangers
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
