Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.