My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
This will teach them to underestimate me
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.