My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”