My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Are we there yet?…
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.