My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am