My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Every time.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
