My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
#Caturday
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
