My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave