Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

#Caturday

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG