Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on