My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
respect
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.