Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright