Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.