My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.