My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
tell em, edith-anne
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
