Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

RT if you know someone like this!!!