My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
#winning
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule