Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Covert ops

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

is nasa ok

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.