My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.