Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!