My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
only 11 steps left
