Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Classic German Shepherd 😂

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Fights fire with marshmallows

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”