Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.