My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?