My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I forgot how to panic. Help
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game