My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
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staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how