Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️