Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.