My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]