Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Word.

~ Microsoft.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?