Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.