My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
want me to check your oil?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week