Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Effort made

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

necessity is the mother of invention

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid