My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You Might Also Like
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.