Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

My work here is don’t.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

All generalizations are stupid.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.