Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Thursday

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

never deleting this app.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”