Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes