Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

✌️

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

SPLOOT

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.