My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
You Might Also Like
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?