Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
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　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

🐕🍷

“I wouldn’t.”

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.