Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Sir!!

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”