Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Catercrombie & Fish

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.