Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.