My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.