Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

you could not pay me to delete this app

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.