My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Something Saturday.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
tis the season
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Lmao 🤣
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.