My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Monday Lisa
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Pat is about to own someone
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here