My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I don’t make the rules sorry
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.