Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now