My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
For anyone who needs this today
