Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

can’t wait til they legalize outside

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible