My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”