My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool