My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?