My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.