Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

😆this is so true

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.