My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Sounds like a real hoot.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
