My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
You Might Also Like
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound