Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I just ran a .003048K

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.