Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

*struts into the new year
~ trips

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT