Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

I camp so other people don’t have to.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*