My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!