My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur