My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here