My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
S/o to @funTweeters .
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me recordaron éste meme
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.