My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
we all know this pain all too well
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon