Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

become ungovernable

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza