My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.