Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect